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Story in english

Frage: Story in english
(9 Antworten)

 
Hi, ich muss in Englisch eine Geschichte schreiben, könnt ihr bitte mal kontrollieren und sagen ob es gut so ist, vom a) language, b) style c) context


Obsessed

A long time ago, there was a giant planet called "Schaible", on which the inhabitants, the "Xenolings", lived happy together.
But one day everything has changed:

Suddenly the sky went dark and the "Xenolings" saw a huge space shuttle landing in "Schaible". Then the door opened and a strange creature appeared. It was completely green and had tentacles looking like fire. Its eyes were so dark, that you couldn´t see its pupils. Moreover its terrified mouth was full of teeth like knives.
All the "Xenolings" were afraid of this monster, because they have never seen something like this before. They immediately knew that couldn´t be a good sign. The creature came down and walked towards the "Xenolings". Now the new bad sovereign moved its tentacles in a hypnotic way and the inhabitants weren´t able to control themselves. The "Xenolings" were under its control, so it was possible for it to form an army in order to conquer the whole universe.
Next they followed it into the space shuttle. Arrived at the new planet there were no problems to fight against these inhabitants and won this war. The same thing happened to other planets and so the monster got a lot of power soon. Nothing or nobody seemed able to stop its evil plan. Slowly the "Xenolings" gave up all hope. Although they knew what they were doing, they couldn´t keep any resistance against the power of the invincible tentacles.
The creature was so convinced of its strength, that it attacked the most powerful planet, the "Earth". It was too late when the strange creature recognized that its tentacles didn´t have any influence on the "Earthlings". The "Earthlings" were intelligent enough to notice that the sovereign had absolutely evil intentions, so they decided to kill it and break the curse. It wasn´t as easy as they thought, but finally a woman called "Maike" was able to do the impossible. She cut down its tentacles and green slime was flowing out of it. The bad sovereign was defeated! The "Xenolings" were so thankful for the rescue, that a great friendship had developed between the planet "Schaible" and the "Earth"
GAST stellte diese Frage am 24.08.2010 - 16:31

 
Antwort von GAST | 24.08.2010 - 16:56

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Antwort von GAST | 24.08.2010 - 17:37
A long time ago, there was a giant planet called "Schaible", on which the inhabitants, the "Xenolings", lived happily together. But one day everything (---) changed:

Suddenly the sky went dark and the "Xenolings" saw a huge space shuttle landing on"Schaible". (---) the door opened and a strange creature appeared. It was completely green and had tentacles looking like fire. Its eyes were so dark that you couldn´t see its pupils. Moreover its terrifying mouth was full of teeth like knives.
All the "Xenolings" were afraid of this monster, because they had never seen anythinglike this before. They immediately knew that this couldn´t be a good sign. The creature came down and walked towards the "Xenolings". Now the new bad sovereign moved its tentacles in a hypnotic way and the inhabitants weren´t able to control themselves. The "Xenolings" were under its control, so it was possible for it to form an army in order to conquer the whole universe.
Next they followed it into the space shuttle. After having arrived at the new planet they had no problems fighting against its inhabitants and winning this war. The same thing happened to other planets and so the monster soon got a lot of power. Nothing or nobody seemed to be able to stop its evil plan. Slowly the "Xenolings" gave up all hope. Although they knew what they were doing, they couldn´t keep any resistance against the power of the invincible tentacles.
The creature was so convinced of its strength that it attacked the most powerful planet, the "Earth". It was too late when the strange creature recognized that its tentacles didn´t have any influence on the "Earthlings". The "Earthlings" were intelligent enough to notice that the sovereign had absolutely evil intentions, so they decided to kill it and break the curse. It wasn´t as easy as they had thought, but finally a woman called "Maike" was able to do the impossible. She cut down its tentacles and green slime was flowing out of it. The bad sovereign was defeated! The "Xenolings" were so thankful for their rescue that a great friendship (---) developed between the planet "Schaible" and the "Earth"

Korrektur: fett = verbessert/ergänzt; (---)= gestrichen


old-but-alert

 
Antwort von GAST | 24.08.2010 - 18:32
ok vielen dank

wie findet ihr mein style bzw. mein context

kann ich da was verbessern?

 
Antwort von GAST | 24.08.2010 - 21:01
findet ihr die geschichte logisch oder ist es verwirrend?
ich muss das morgen abgeben....


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Antwort von matata | 24.08.2010 - 21:05
Wenn bis jetzt niemand sich dazu geäussert hat, dann ist genug. Du kannst die Frage nicht 4 mal wiederholen. Das ist ein Regelverstoss. Deine Arbeit ist korrigiert ohne eine besondere Anmerkung in dieser Beziehung. That`s it!
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Antwort von GAST | 24.08.2010 - 21:14
Zum Inhalt: deine Geschichte ist eine "erzählte Inhaltsangabe" ohne Spannung und ohne Höhepunkte.
Stell dir doch nur mal die Situation vor, in der "Maike" das Monster besiegt; du erzählst so, wie andere Leute ihr Auto putzen oder abwaschen, kein Pep, kein Spannung.
Bei so etwas denkt man sich eine Situation aus: Maike hat von einem
Xenoling gehört --- und jetzt bringst du wörtliche Rede! das macht Geschichten spannend und nachvollziehbar...dann, ein wenig später: Maike wusste nun, dass das Monster verletzbar war ...jetzt kannst du eine Nachtszene beschreiben (mit Mond, mit Eulen-Geheule .) Maike schleicht sich an ... ist das Monster noch wach ? - warten - was bewegt sich ... da, plötzlich ...?

Mein Gott nochmal, das sind doch die einfachsten Regeln, eine spannendne Geschichte zu schreiben, lernt man schon in der 4.Klasse

Ich war mal Englischlehrer. Ich glaube kaum, dass du bei mir ein "ausreichend" erhalten hättest.

old-but-alert

 
Antwort von GAST | 24.08.2010 - 22:01
ah hört sich gut an...

also meine lehrerin hat gemeint, das wir nur zwei seiten schreiben dürfen (mit hand) und ich hab en bissl mehr als zwei seiten, deshalb konnte ich das net so wirklich ausschmücken

 
Antwort von GAST | 24.08.2010 - 22:06
und das war gruppenarbeit, wir haben das zusammen gemacht
wenn ich da jetzt was inhaltlich ändere, dann denken die doch, dass ich alles alleine machen will und etc.
aber ich will auch nicht wegen denen eine schlechtere note bekommen...

 
Antwort von GAST | 24.08.2010 - 22:20
Dein / euer Problem ist - wie immer - alles muss auf dem letzten Drücker passieren.. ich glaub e kaum, dass ihr erst heute diese Aufgabe erhalten habt.

old-but-alert

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