17 Fehler?

Ich musste in Englisch (12 Klasse) eine "characterisation" eines Charakters aus dem Buch "Lord of the flies" anfertigen.
nach der Korrektur der Schock
etwa 17 Fehler..

Ich hab eine Verbesserung angefertigt allerdings bin ich mir nicht mehr sicher ob das so richtig ist
kann mir jemand helfen?

Die verbesserte Vision:

In the novel "Lord of the flies" Piggy is on of the lost boys, who have found themselves on a tropical island after a planecrash.
Piggy is a twelve-year-old short, fat, whiny and clumsy boy, who depends on his glasses and is (either?!) ill because of his athma.

He can`t take part in the same things as the other boys, he can`t swim and he can`t run.
He behaves calmly and seriously and always insists on his "matter-of-fact" ideas, like the others see his advises.
His behaviour and his outward appereance of an overweight boy make him an outsider.

The others are not even interested in his real name.
Although Piggy is not educated and a member of the working class, which is obvious because of his typical accent, he has great ideas, which would help the others to survive on the island, but nobody takes Piggy seriously.
In his opinion the others behave like a "crowd of kids" but he doesn`t see his own faults.

Piggy is the one who wants to lead the other boys with his rational and realistic sense, but he doesn`t want to work hard for their survival.


ich wäre wirklich dankbar wenn mir jemand weiterhelfen würde ^^