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Englisch text korrigieren

Frage: Englisch text korrigieren
(2 Antworten)

 
haLLooo
ich muss für morgen ein paragraph schreiben udn habe jetzt in aller eile etwas geschrieben. es wäre sehr nett wenn ihr dies einmal durchlesen könnt und einfach fehler bemerken könntet etc. eine weitere frage: ich hatte eigentlich keien ahnung wie ein paragraph stylistisch aussehen muss....
gibt es auch evt dazu noch hilfreiche ergänzungen?..

herzlichen dank im voraus!

“Computer games - a complete waste of time and money.”
Agree or disagree

I think there are three main points why computer games signify a complete waste of time and money. The most important reason why everybody should pay attention on the previous statement is in my opinion the possible negative consequences on our personal health that computer games could have. In the rest of this paragraph I want to show how computer games could cause especially healthy and social problems in our live and why they are therefore a waste of time and money.
First,
computer games are games you play logically with your computer, at home in a sticky room. You have not to go outside to play it. The difference for instance to play football is mainly that a passionate gamer stays his whole weekend at home before his computer. He never leaves the house. On this way he spend no time at the fresh air he often put on weight because he doesn’t move. It is very common that beyond the screen there is a cup of chips. This means extra calories but no extra movement. At the beginning this doesn’t matter so much but after some time you’ll notice it. The danger of gaining weight is the second reason why you could spend your money and time better. Finally the third reason has more to do with the gamers’ social life. If a person always plays computer games he’ll lose his social abilities, because in this sort of game you have not a real contact with your enemies or even just with your fellow men. Usually you game on your own and the maximal contact you have is the contact through the internet with your enemies (if you together with other people) but the most part of the time everybody games on his own. The consequences are that you lose the contact to your friends. After some time you are not any longer used to talk and get on with other people, other opinions and you will have problems to readjust you to get on with these original things.
In conclusion I would say that it is very important to show already our children, during their childhood the right association with these media. Otherwise it’s possible that they’ll have big problems to deal them. A possible consequence could be that they will be very egoistic and asocial, just because they are not accustomed to get along with other people and other opinions. These difficulties maybe exist only because if a person spend much time along before the computer he forget how it is to share something or to be considerate. Another important point is that everybody should over think his own use of the internet. Then possibly if he continues with gaming etc he’ll have health problems someday.
GAST stellte diese Frage am 26.10.2009 - 18:58

 
Antwort von GAST | 26.10.2009 - 23:03
Wie ein paragraph aussehen muss weiß ich nicht..:P

1."The most important reason why [...] ARE in my opinion the negative consequences that computer games could have on our personal health."
Einfach etwas umgestellt und das "possible" weg, weil du ja schon "could have" nimmst.
;)

2."[...] you play logically with your computer [...]" Wenn du sagen willst "...sind Spiele die man logischerweise am Pc spielt...", dann würde ich das weglassen. Sowas benutzt man im Englischen einfach nicht wirklich..^^

3. "You DON`T HAVE TO go outside to play it."

4."The differende for instance [...]THE whole weekend at home IN FRONT OF his computer."

5. "BECAUSE OF THIS, he spendS no time outside at fresh air and a gamer often ADVANCES weight, because he doesn`t do sports."
Ist besser als doesn`t move, weil bewegen tut er sich ja schon. So wird klarer was gemeint ist, denk ich..^^

6."It is common that a cup of chips is standing beyond the screen."

7."At the beginning this doesn`t matter TOO much, but some time later you`ll notice it."

8."If a person always play computer games he`ll lose [...] you have NO real contact TO your enemies or even your fellow men."
wobei ich für "fellow men" vielleicht eher "even the people in your environment." nehmen..^^

9. "But MOST part of the time[...]" ohne das "the". ;)

10. "After some time you WILL NOT be used to talk and get on with [...] have problems to ADJUST to getting on with original things like these."
"readjust" ist dasselbe wie adjust, aber ich glaube es wird seltener benutzt..^^

11. "Otherwise it`s possible that they`ll have bis problems to deal WITH them."

12. "[...] only because if a person spendS much time in FRONT OF the computer he WILL forget [...] or to be considerateD."

13. "[...] should think over his own use of the internet."

Den letzten Satz mit "then possibly..." würde ich einfach weglassen. ;) :P

 
Antwort von GAST | 27.10.2009 - 08:36
herzlichen dank!
das hat mir sehr geholfen=D

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